Last week I woke up, had my morning breakfast with a cup of coffee and made my way to school. I was getting some good work done when I needed a, ummm, mid-morning break. So I opened the stall door, and hung over the handicapped rail was a Nota Bene opened to my column.

I’ve made it, baby! This column is dedicated to that anonymous reader. God Bless you, Sir.

So my “editor” tells me that this is a pre-election issue. I have orders to put the sports briefly on the back-burner and provide readers with a decidedly “male perspective” on an election issue. I have employed the help of my friend and guest writer, Aaron Martin, for this task. I would like to thank him for his professionalism and dedication in this matter.

We will be reviewing the law school men’s rooms. I don’t know who “Nick for President” is, but I expect him to be taking notes. Now this is just our (collective) humble opinion, but we will provide a worst, a first, and some honorable mentions in between. A huge issue for us is privacy. We also have a strict no contact, no-talking-until-you-get-to-the-sink policy. Thus, this is merely a law school bathroom critique (and in no way intended to be homophobic. Just privacy-oriented). Want to start with the worst? Us too. Let’s do this.

The Worst: Moot Court Men’s Room (1st Floor Lerner)

You can get there from the H Street entrance by going through both double doors, making an immediate right, and entering the left door before you enter the Moot Court room.

The biggest issue is the mirror exposure. When Patron A is washing his hands and glances into the mirror and gets a full view of Patron B at the urinal, we have a problem. One of us had the moment where the guy at the sink saw something, and then there was eye contact, and then a mid-stream stop. That’s awkward, and there’s no need.

Unfortunately, that’s just the beginning. Because it’s located near an entrance there are some draft issues during the winter, and a lot of foot traffic. There is a single stall that, while handicapped, doesn’t provide options. For some reason, I think this location gets missed by most of the cleaning staff so we have some cleanliness and supply issues. Lastly, for some reason, just outside this restroom is a popular place for people to make cell phone calls. One of us has stayed in there an extra twenty minutes so he wouldn’t have to look at the girl who just broke up with her long-distance boyfriend. There were already enough tears.

Honorable Mentions: From Worst to First

The Rise of the Machines: 3rd Floor Stockton

You can get there by walking from Lerner down the Stuart hallway. On your right will be an alcove filled with lockers. Back there is the men’s room. There are a number of things wrong here. Let’s start with the lighting. There are no windows and a single light above the sink. There is no overhead light at all. This contributed to the biggest problem—the stall. Furthest from the light, the darkened stall combined with the automated flusher turns into a big problem. We’re also not sure if there is a water pressure problem, but when this toilet flushes, it sprays. Those of you into bidets, this stall is for you.

Another problem is the back-to-back urinals. A lot of people wear their backpacks to the restroom, and there are some awkward spatial issues here. On the plus side, it was great 1L year. No one seems to know about this location as a 1L, probably because their lockers aren’t there. All the 1L classes seem to be at the same times. Thus, there are no crowding problems. So this is perfect for the 1L with a quick break between classes.

Also, because no one uses this stall, it’s perpetually overstocked with supplies. So if you’re running low at home, and don’t want to make the trip to CVS....

Strangest: Stockton Cellar (in the library)

This is a unisex bathroom. Apparently it is sometimes locked. It’s larger than our bathrooms at our homes, but has a single toilet in the corner, and a small sink on the opposite side. It smells terrible. We don’t know what else to say.

Coldest Sink Water: 4th Floor Stockton

You can get there by walking from Lerner down the Stuart hallway. It’s on your right, just past some professors’ offices. We guess this is good for the summer time to cool down.

Must Avoid During Finals: Lower Level Burns

This is on the floor of the library with the smoker’s pit. If you take the stairs down, make a left. Go past the computers to the end, and there is a hallway to your left. At the end of that hallway is the men’s room.

This one is pretty great throughout the year. There are three stalls for options, including a handicapped stall. There are three sinks with warm water. There is little foot traffic because you are at the end of a hallway. It’s quiet, and the perfect place to read the Nota Bene... until finals season.

During finals, the library population increases two hundred-fold (a rough estimate). Because this location is at the end of a hallway, and in a basement, it tends to trap odors. It also flooded this winter, probably from overuse. Just avoid it for the four weeks at the end of each semester.

Best Quick #1: 1st and 2nd floor Stockton (Tie)

These are located at the end of the soft lounge and across from the second floor computer lab respectively. The largest men’s rooms in the school, these locations see a lot of foot traffic. There are plenty of options, and always an open urinal and an open sink. Great for getting in and getting out.

It’s not the best spot for reading a Nota Bene. We both know guys who will pick up a paper and announce to the room that they have some serious business to take care of. We’re not those guys. If you walk past the hard lounge and the soft lounge, or past all the study tables on the second floor, and then emerge fifteen minutes later, the whole floor knows what just happened.

Best 1L Space: LL10Men’s

You can get there by going to the Lower Lerner level, act as if you were going to the lower Stockton level, and it’s around the corner. For some reason, not many people know about this one. Only 1Ls have lockers down there, and almost no one has classes down there in LL101 (also known as the dungeon or the room of requirement (you know, because it’s freezing and cavernous)). On top of those factors, it’s around the corner. You wouldn’t now it’s there unless you look.

You’re working with three urinals, two sinks, but only one handicapped stall. This was a first year sanctuary. It flooded this October, and someone got a little aggressive and loosened the seat. We haven’t been back since. Those are fixable (I’m looking at you, “Nick for President”).

The First: Undisclosed Location

You can get there by finding it yourself. We said we like our privacy. That said, we’ll tell you a little bit about it. There are two urinals with a vanity screen between them; two sinks with soap, and hot water. There are three hand drying options. We have the traditional hand pump paper towel, the motion activated paper towel, and the hot air blower. The handicapped stall has three coat hangers, a baby changing drop-down, and an additional seat. It’s always well stocked.

Now, while we won’t tell you where it is, we will tell you if you find it. Inside the stall is a piece of paper with the words “Best Stall: Nota Bene 2011.” It is signed by your co-authors. Feel free to sign it yourself. Perhaps we’ll leave a stack of Nota Benes in there. Happy reading.