Aries (March 21-April 19)
You will meet the love of your life at the beach. In a tide pool.

Taurus (April. 20-May 20)
Relax this summer - the work will still be waiting for you in the fall!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Yes, you do, in fact, look fat in that bathing suit.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You know that guy that you agreed to sublet to? The one you got off of Craigslist? The one who said he was into animal sacrifices and you laughed because, really, that's hilarious? Well, I have something to tell you...

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
No, no - pass the dutchie on the LEFT hand side. No, your OTHER left

Virgo (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22)
It's amazing

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
There's an opening in the National Society of Douchebaggery this summer - you should consider applying.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Avoid beach towels.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
FYI - Employers really look down on you for watching naked people at work, so you might want to kick that YouPorn habit while you can...

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Oh, you didn't ask for all this crap? Sorry, I thought that was your signature on the crap-request forms, my bad.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
This summer you will find a love that will outlast time, life, and restraining orders.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
It's amazing what you can do when you know someone's GWorld ID number....